Kaga's Worries
by conetan
Summary: What if I need this war?
"Admiral, are you listening?"

"Hmm? Nobody took any damage, right? Please continue to node G."

It's been bothering me for a while.

This kind of robotic admiral, who will have listened to everything you've said as soon as you prompt them.

Who continues to leaf through the papers in front of them while receiving the battle reports.

"Admiral, what are you reading?"

"It's just a paper that I have to read. About turning on and off genes in bacteria."

"That sounds quite advanced."

"Yeah. It's the kind of stuff people learn about while they're trying to receive a doctorate."

Bacteria. Doctorate. They're cold words. Or maybe it's the way the admiral says them.

It's not something I should worry about, as a ship, but I...

"Kaga, weren't you going to ask why a kid like me is reading stuff like this?"

"Well, it seemed like I was bothering you."

For the first time, the admiral's eyes rise wearily from their desk.

Are those eyes what they would call kids' eyes?

"People talk about it a lot back home. That this war won't last forever. That we should think about what we're going to do once it ends. You should probably think about what you want, too. Maybe it won't ever end, but we shouldn't pretend like it won't."

* * *

The seas are calm, calm enough to glimpse the reflection of clear skies in the waves.

In a world where moments like these last forever...

Would such a world even have a place for me?

Maybe... I don't even...

"Kaga, look out!"

* * *

"It was that Ta-class again, huh? Maybe I should send faster destroyers."

"No. They're all good girls. Each time, they were just protecting me."

"... I see. I guess it can't be helped, then."

* * *

'It can't be helped.'

'What if it can?'

What would they say?

What would they think?

"Kaga? What's wrong?"

Somehow, I've found my face buried in Akagi's lap again.

"Nothing."

"Come on, cheer up. The admiral relies on you a lot, you know."

"Even though I've been so useless?"

"You're not useless, Kaga. We wouldn't even be able to hold this operation without you."

Maybe that's why I can't say it to him.

'What if I don't want this war to end?'

* * *

"Kaga, do you want to come with me to Mamiya's?"

"No, I'm fine."

"Come on, it's free time, isn't there something you wanted to do?"

"I just want to practice."

"Well... alright..."

Akagi leaves me alone to the sound of arrows.

Thwack. Thump.

The skies are clear again today.

Thwack. Thump.

"Diligently practicing even on a day off."

My arrow misses its mark. Houshou and a uniformed man stand in the doorway. He's a bit tall, but what's more imposing is his posture.

"Even so, what use is skill that can't be shown to others?"

"Excuse me, but you are?"

"I see... so he confines his ships to this degree. I am the Admiral of the First Fleet."

In other words, my Admiral's superior.

"My apologies, Admiral."

"Let me get straight to the point. I've seen your skill, and your performance recently is unusual. Did that man order you to sabotage the operation?"

"Sabotage...?"

"I know your admiral well. If he deliberately failed the operation in order to have his fleet reassigned..."

"That's absurd."

"Well, it doesn't matter. His ships will never grow if he keeps protecting them like that."

* * *

"Akagi?"

That's right... Akagi went to Mamiya's.

The room is empty, our bunk beds neatly made and the tatami clear apart from a single coffee table.

I wonder what will happen to the naval base when the war ends.

Will I still be able to see Akagi? The admiral?

Maybe we won't even be together until the war ends.

I flop onto the bottom bunk and let the reality of what I've done sink in.

Reassigned. Another cold word, perhaps only a few degrees away from 'discarded.'

It's my fault, isn't it?

A knock on the door interrupts my thoughts and brings me back to the present.

Is it Akagi? But Akagi wouldn't have to knock.

"Come in."

Instead, behind the door is an unexpected face.

"Admiral."

"Kaga. Have you seen Akagi?"

"She went to Mamiya's some time ago."

"I see. If you happen to see her, tell her I have something to discuss with her."

Why would the Admiral want to see Akagi?

"Is this about our reassignment from the front lines?"

"... Did you hear about that from that admiral?"

"That's why we have free time in the middle of an operation, isn't it? It's my fault. So if you have Akagi replace me, I..."

I understand. Since we're ships, we have to be useful, or we'll lose our place. But once we've done our job, once the war ends, what use is there for us anymore?

I begin to feel tears welling up in my eyes, slowly, and then more quickly at the shame of showing my emotions. Ships don't have a use for tears. I can't let myself hurt the pride of the First Carrier Division. Not any more than I already have.

I have to accept it.

"She'll definitely... do a good job... so..."

Before my voice chokes any more than this.

My voice is muffled as the Admiral steps forward and pulls me into a hug, burying my face in his shoulder. I never realized he was taller than me from him sitting in his desk.

"Kaga. The fleet has been reassigned to support shelling."

"Huh? Then... having free time today is..."

"Officially, the Admiral Kawa and I are reorganizing and making preparations to sortie. Unofficially... I wanted to give us a day off, but it looks like that just backfired."

"And... with Akagi...?"

"The First Carrier Division will be leading the support shelling. And... one other thing."

"One other thing?"

"Sorry, Kaga. I think I've made you worry about some troublesome things. I wanted to ask Akagi for advice, but I guess I should have just come to you straight from the start."

I look up at the Admiral and wipe my tears.

"Is it okay? Having me on the support shelling fleet even though I've been causing nothing but trouble for you?"

"It's alright, Kaga. It couldn't be helped."

'It couldn't be helped,' again... I'm sorry, Admiral, for always betraying you.

"... But what if it could? What if it's because I don't want this war to end? I know, objectively that war is bad, but I..."

"True objectivity is only obtained through apathy. It's fine to need this war, since this war gives us a place to belong. And more importantly, Kaga, I trust you. I trust the you that doesn't want the war to end because in some ways, I don't either."

I see. So he's always been paying more attention than I thought. I feel so silly... and so safe.

"And... even if the war ends..."

"Hmm?"

"Well... I guess I shouldn't raise a flag like that right now. It's not appropriate, as your admiral."

The admiral averts his eyes from mine. I try to follow them, but he continues avoiding eye contact. Now it's my turn to embrace the admiral.

"Admiral... I don't like the part of you that pretends to not pay attention. Right now, I'm extremely happy, though, so..."

"...Kaga, will you marry me?"


End file.
